Reconnecting.

I'm on vacation!! Yay! In the physical, mental and familial aftermath of billing 250 hours last month, I decided to take this week off.  For real.  I have only checked my email twice since Sunday.   My hubby and I took the boys on a short "one tank" trip for a couple of days to get away and strengthen the family ties that have become worn because I am out of place.  Yes, out of place.  When your husband has to call you to come home from work at midnight because you're still there engrossed in a project- that is out of place.  When your seven year old is the ONLY child in his class whose mommy didn't show up for the Mother's Day program because she had to work out of town- that is out of place.  When your four year old can't sleep at night (because you're not home) and is taking three hour naps in preschool to make up for it- that is out of place.  When you have no desire to be a wife to your husband because you've just worked a string of 14+ hour days- that is definitely out of place.  I knew that a change had to come, but spending time with my family this week confirmed it.  I haven't been this happy and relaxed in months.  My boys haven't been this happy and relaxed in months.  My husband and I haven't gone this long without snapping at each other in months.  Good times.  Yesterday we went to the zoo, the mall, out to eat, and swimming in the hotel pool.  At the end of the day I took a video of the boys to recap our adventures. When I asked them their favorite part of the day, the four year old answered immediately:  "Being with you!"  My thoughts exactly.   I am praying for a new opportunity to open up soon.

Excellence is Deliberate!

When Late Nights Collide With Early Mornings

Last night I pulled an all-nighter.  The kind that starts at 12pm on a Sunday afternoon and ends on Monday morning  after the kids get ready for school.  ALL NIGHT LONG.    On the bright side, I watched at least 3 episodes of Law and Order, an episode of cheers and the Meryl Streep/Alec Baldwin romantic comedy, "It's Complicated" before the sun came up.  Side note: That movie is HILARIOUS at 3 in the morning!   So why was I up all night?  Working on a 35 page brief that absolutely, positively had to get done.  The good news:  I've billed at least 60 hours in the past week related to this project. In case you're not a firm lawyer, here's everything you need to know about billable hours: more = better. The bad news- I've billed at least 60 hours on this in the past week - on top of hours billed for other clients and non-billable work.  That is EXHAUSTING.  Nothing hurts me more than coming home from work after my boys fall asleep.  In fact, on Thursday, my husband sent me a text around midnight telling me to come home because (1) It was friggin MIDNIGHT and (2) my poor four year old was crying that he couldn't sleep until I got home.  Now that sucks.

When I started this job, my oldest son was in kindergarten.  I blinked and he is now getting ready to begin second grade.  Time flies when you are (almost completely) distracted.  My husband and I have been talking and we agree--We can't go out like that.  Preparing for the next transition.  More talk on that later.

For now, I need to get some sleep.

Excellence is deliberate.

To the Boys: Chapters 7 and 4.

I LOVE YOU THIS MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To My Dear Boys.

My love for you is like buttery syrup-infused IHOP pancakes.  Every fiber of my being is saturated with it.   I have loved you both from the moment I knew of your existence and for years when the thought of you was a mere possibility.  You challenge and amaze me on a daily basis and no matter how miserably I fail to live the life of a perfect example, your innocent admiration motivates me to keep trying. I love the way you giggle openly at childish things, the way you honestly question the world around you, the way you fight each other for the right to receive my kisses, the way your eyes light up when I return from a terrible day at work, the way you snuggle with me in bed with cold feet wrapping themselves around my legs, the way you take pride in our family traditions like playing UNO and evening prayer, the way you sing at the top of your lungs when Mommy turns up her "jam" on the radio, the way you see the good in people and look to me for confirmation, the way you trust completely in God without reservation, and the way you are each growing up to be absolutely unique and amazing individuals.  I pray that the years ahead bring many more opportunities for me to share how much I love you and that your memories of your childhood are always rooted in the certainty that your spiritual, physical, intellectual, and emotional well-being are always precious to Mommy. I will never give up on vigilantly protecting all of the above.

Thank- you for making this my favorite day of the year. 

Inspirations:)

Hello Dear Readers!! Sorry for the prolonged absence. Strep throat (both kids at different times). Work deadlines. Marriage tune up. Bar Exam Prep. Life. Sometimes life just catches up to you. I hope to start writing more soon. Lots to share.
I'm home with two sicks and I popped in today to share a video with you about a little girl that is doing exactly what I aspire for my boys to do. Excellence is deliberate. Take a look.





P.S. I found a Chinese tutor for the boys. She starts next month. Now I just have to find a tutor who speaks French, Spanish, Arabic and Russian. Know anyone?! This video inspired me to keep looking.

Weekly Report

Well, this is no way to grow a blog! Dear readers, I am still making the adjustment to my new job. I've gone from a job where leaving at 4 was "staying late" to a career where getting home at 7 means I still have several hours of work to do. BIG CHANGE. This weekend, I was so exhausted that I spent most of the day Saturday in bed surrounded by my kiddies.

Speaking of the kiddies, this has also been a big change for them. Keep them in your prayers- it has been hard explaining to them why I can't pick them up anymore or take them to school most days because I have to go to work early. Strategically, I took this job because I wanted to be able to do more for them. I hold on to that knowledge when I question this commitment. I pray that once the dust settles, I can find a balance that works for everyone.

Speaking of balance, I have come to the realization that I need help. I am currently putting ads on Craigslist and asking around for a good daily babysitter, and a part-time cook and housekeeper. When I'm home, I want to be mommy. Not stressed about preparing dinner or trying to mop the kitchen floor. I used to consider these things pretentious. Now I consider them the cost of doing business.

The good news- I really like this job. My coworkers seem like smart, down to earth people and the work (so far) is interesting. My goal is to become a great attorney. I believe that I have found the right firm to achieve it.

Excellence is deliberate and life is about balance. Those are the themes of this blog and I hope to be able to write more often once my schedule stabilizes (and I don't have to spend my evening hours writing briefs and doing research).

Have a great week!

This Blog is Still Active (in case your were wondering)

In a word ... BUSY.  I never thought two weeks would pass before I would make time to update this blog.  Sorry for the delay. Here's a quick update on things I coulda/shoulda/would've been blogging about since we last spoke:

On the Mommy Front:

• My oldest son turned SIX.  Major milestone for our family.  My baby is six!!  I only have 12 more years to get him ready for the world.  He also came in first place in the poetry category of a Spanish contest at his school and played Abraham Lincoln in the Kindergarten production of "America. "  Two more proud mommy moments.
• We found a new pre-school for my youngest son. Honestly, it is almost criminal what a difference money can make when it comes to educational opportunities for our children.  NIGHT and DAY.  We thank God for his current school, because they were there when we needed them and they were all we could afford.  I will always be grateful for the care they have shown both our boys and the understanding they have shown us when we needed it.  But I am so glad that he will be moving on to a school instead of a "day care" in the near future. 

On the Career Front:

• I wrapped up my old job and said my goodbyes. Not sure what to make of the fact that more of my coworkers told me they were jealous than happy for me. In the end, several folks really came through with sweet parting gifts and well wishes and my exit interview was basically an open invitation to return anytime. 
• I officially submitted my application to sit for the July 2011 Bar Exam!!  This accomplishment single handedly monopolized 80% of my non-work time since I last posted on this blog.   The application itself is over 50 pages long and basically requires detailed information about every aspect of my life except my (non-mental) medical history.  I had to provide more than 20 names of references and none of them could be former supervisors.  Driving records. Transcripts. Fingerprints.  Certificates of Good Standing from other jurisdictions where I am licensed.  Old bar application. BRUTAL.   Passing the Bar Exam is the centerpiece of my career goals for 2011, so this is the first of  many posts on the subject.

That's a quick update.  I'm sitting here full of nervous energy because tomorrow is my first day of work at the new gig.  Excited? Yes.  Nervous? A little.  Eager? Of course.  If I'm not too pooped at the end of it all, I'll report back tomorrow with an update.

Excellence is Deliberate!

A Goldfish Story

Much has been written about the love between a boy and his dog. This story is about the genuine bond between a boy and his fish.

A refrigerator portrait of Fighter and Woody. This was drawn just days before their tragic demise.

My oldest son loves fish the way most five year old boys love super heroes.  After viewing Finding Nemo for the first time at age four, he became obsessed with the ocean, the lake near our (then) home and any living creatures that make their home in water.  It seemed like the natural progression on his path toward a career in marine biology to purchase his first goldfish for his fifth birthday.

It was a glorious occasion.  Picture our entire family peering into a 50 gallon tank with about 1000 goldfish while my son pointed out the exact fish he wanted and demanded that the pet store worker catch it. He never waivered, despite her efforts to convince him to select one of the slow movers she was able to easily scoop into the net.  After several failed attempts, when finally caught, my son's fish jumped out of the net and flopped around on the counter to avoid capture. In that moment, his name was set, "Let's call him, 'Fighter' mommy, because he fought to be free!" And so our journey with "Fighter" began.

Fighter started out in a bowl, but we soon realized that a small tank with a filter would be a better choice.  Each day my son gazed at Fighter for long intervals and wondered aloud about what he might be thinking or what his life would be like in a pond. My three year old also had questions of his own, like how many toys can I stuff in his tank when mommy's not looking?

Through it all, Fighter swam on and played his role as our pet goldfish flawlessly.  Unlike many goldfish, Fighter was a unique silver color with black markings. Whenever my oldest son approached his tank, he swam happily around with the zeal of  a trained dolphin at Sea World.  Each morning, my son reminded us to feed him and marveled at his appetite. Over time, Fighter grew and we decided to upgrade his living quarters again.  We purchased a 10 gallon tank for Christmas 2010 and decided to bring him home a little tank buddy.

Fighter's first few days in his new home were a joy to watch.  He swam back and forth constantly and zipped around the fluorescent colored plastic plants at top speed.  My son was thrilled! Unfortunately, his new tank mate brought more than the "variety" we had hoped for to our pet collection.  From almost the beginning, "Woody" the goldfish just didn't seem to quite fit in. He didn't swim much, didn't leave the bottom of the tank and never quite had any spunk. Probably because he was carrying a deadly disease and was already sick.

About a week after moving into the new tank with Woody, Fighter started swimming less and hanging out on the bottom more.  Then he started gasping for air at the top of the tank in a vertical position for most of the day.  I didn't think much of it because I noticed that he still swam back and forth normally at night. Woody just hid behind a plant all day and we labeled him "the shy one."  The end was near, but we didn't know it.

On Wednesday,  my son awoke to discover that Woody was no longer at the bottom of the tank.  He had died during the night and been sucked onto the filter. My first thought was whether I still had my receipt to go get a replacement.  Woody was a typical orange goldfish that could easily be substituted by any pet store. While I pondered that thought, my husband flushed Woody to his final resting place and my oldest son wailed. Too late to replace Woody.   I looked at Fighter and knew the countdown for his demise had begun because he was clearly not well.

Fighter held on for two more days- living up to his name with each frail breath.  After searching the Internet for answers, we purchased a fish antibiotic and added it to the tank water with a prayer.  We finally decided to cover his tank because watching him suffer was too distressing for my son (and for me too-ugh).  Every time I thought we had finally lost him, he mustered up the strength to wiggle just enough to avoid the net transport to the bathroom. Finally, my husband couldn't take it anymore and he flushed him on Friday during his lunch break.  Time of death is unknown because he hadn't quite gotten there when he reached his final flush.  After hearing that part of the story, I closed the lid of the toilet and flushed it about three times as soon as the kids and I returned home from school.  The loss of a fish is traumatizing enough without seeing him floating in the toilet after you get the news. (My son still won't use that toilet because he witnessed Woody's flushing)

My son took the news as expected- hard.  He is processing the loss of Fighter and Woody and asking a lot of questions about death and sickness.We did our own version of  a memorial service/ celebration of life on Sunday. Cake plus ice cream and singing silly songs about our pet fish. It seemed to help.

Now that a few days have passed, the requests for future pets have begun.  My youngest son has already put in his vote for a dog. (!)  Life goes on, and I'm sure our pet family will expand again. But none of us will ever forget the love we witnessed between a boy and his first fish.

Talk to you soon!

Excellence is Deliberate.

From the moment I gave birth to my first son, I have purposely infused his worldview with a steady diet of great expectations: "You can be President!"  "You can learn multiple foreign languages!"  "You can aim for the toilet and not for the wall!"  All the while I have struggled to execute these great expectations in the area of fulfilling my own potential.

About two years ago, I heard a message in church about raising Godly children.  To paraphrase, the pastor said simply, "You raise who you are, not what you say."  In other words, our children learn more about how to live their lives from the way we model behavior than from the character lessons we attempt to instill intellectually.  So true. In many aspects I am my mother. In the way I raise my children, in the way I think about the world around me, and even in the way I physically carry myself including my speaking voice.  Certainly, in other significant ways I am my own woman, but the core of who I am started with who my parents showed me I could be.  As the parent of two exceptional little boys, that thought is both exciting and terrifying.  God gave me two blank slates and one of my deepest fears is that I will somehow "mess them up" and ruin their potential because of my failings as a mother.

In 2011 (and beyond) I am raising the bar. Stepping up my game. Starting with the (wo)man in the mirror... and every other cliche that signifies a commitment to excellence.  The truth is, excellence is deliberate.  A life worth noting never happens by accident. Think about that. Let it sink in and repeat it to yourself.  EXCELLENCE IS DELIBERATE. 

That commitment to excellence is what this blog is all about;  A chronicle of my journey to strive for excellence in my faith, my family, my career and my community.  If you have made it this far through this post, I know that you are committed to the same thing in your own life, on your own terms.  It is my desire that you will take this journey with me and invite others along the way.

Old School...

New School...

So why now?  This is the first year in at least the last five years that I have no plans or (likely) possibility of a move.  I am finally able to put down roots in a community and make long(er) term plans for my family life, career and community involvement. That is HUGE!

Phase one of my plan, stabilize our finances and transition from a job mentality to career building mindset.  Let the financial management classes and career networking begin!

Happy New Year dear readers!  Let's make it a great one together.

Game Changer?

Yesterday, in the midst of a conversation with my five year old son about his school friends, I asked him to bring me his class picture so that I could connect faces with names.  After pointing to a few people, he looked at me and asked which kid I thought was the cutest.  I immediately pointed to his picture (of course) and had my three year old respond to the same question to confirm my assessment. My son looked up at me and said, "I'm not the cutest. I don't like the way I look."  As the hair stood up on the back of my neck, I asked him what he didn't like about his looks and he looked at me and said, "my skin, my eyes, ... everything."  I knew where the conversation was headed, but decided to make him go all the way there.  "What's wrong with your skin?" I asked.  ""You have the same brown skin as mommy. Don't you like our color?" His response, "Yes..errrr ... no. I want to be lighter."  I wanted to scream, cry and throw up in that instant.

Over the next few minutes, I probed gently and listened as my precious, intelligent, cute as a button, five year old black son told me that he is tired of being different.  In his words, "I am tired of only having 3 brown people in my class. Everyone else is white."   I had noted this fact very early on in the school year and been grateful that he had one other black boy in his class.  (I have never met the third little girl and truthfully, her racial makeup is not immediately apparent from the school picture.)   There is one other black boy in all of the school's four kindergarten classes.  He also told me repeatedly that he wanted to have more "brown people" to play with at school.

This conversation was deeply painful for me because I agonized for months over where to place my son for kindergarten, in part for this very reason.  I home schooled him for about a year when he was four and only gave up on that idea when it became apparent that I had to return to work for financial reasons.  One of my greatest concerns as the parent of two black males is how to balance their educational opportunities between exposure to a significant level of diversity and access to the best academic environment.  Generally I have found that the two tend to be somewhat mutually exclusive.  The most academically renowned private and charter schools generally tend to have very low diversity.  Equally troubling is that even the "best" public schools typically have jaw dropping achievement gaps when you factor in the performance of their black student population as compared to the whole.  We chose my son's charter school  because the performance among black students on end of grade testing was on par with their white counterparts in most areas. To me that demonstrated a climate of high expectations for ALL students and was an indicator that my son would be held to (and receive support in achieving) a higher academic standard. 

Dear Reader, I must admit that my son's confession shook me.  I wonder now more than ever- are my husband and I doing the right thing in terms of his education? How can we affirm his "blackness" in a way that allows him to enter a school with zero black authority figures and a 95% white student population with confidence and a sense of belonging? Should I try to find a school with more diversity and sacrifice some of the academic rigor? Should I revisit the home school option and believe God that He will work out the financial details? Should we keep attending an all black church so that he can be exposed to his peers in that environment? How do other black parents deal with this balancing act?


The scary thing about parenthood is that time only moves in one direction and you don't get a second chance to raise your children.  Sometimes I look at my son and pray that I don't "mess him up" because I see such great potential in his innocent eyes.

Is this a gamechanger?  What would you do?  How do you achieve a balance if your children have encountered this issue?

Looking forward to reading some comments on this one...

The Card Says it All.

Yesterday my 5 year old son greeted me with this card when I came home from work. It instantly became my favorite work of art.  We will laugh about this when he wins the National Spelling Bee;)

A Call to Arms!! Black Parents, It's Time to Grab a Mirror and Stop Waiting for Superman.

Say what you want to about the Tea Party -- You can question their motives, criticize their candidates and poke holes in their agenda-- But one thing you can't do is ignore their effectiveness.  They saw something they didn't like and mobilized to change it.  It's time to get organized black parents.  
This post is a call to arms.
Seriously.
I read a study today that first saddened, then enraged, then inspired me.  I hope it will do the same for you. The study was published by The Council of the Great City Schools, a consortium of urban public school systems from around the country. The subject: academic underachievement among black males.   If you are the parent of a young black male, YOU MUST READ the recently published Call for Change study. If you are not the parent of a young black male but know someone who is, YOU MUST READ this study and pass it along to someone else.  Oh, and if you are the parent or know the parent of a young black female, you are not off the hook.  YOU MUST READ this study because what it says about our daughters isn't any more promising. Put simply, the word CRISIS is now an understatement.
  
Some context...
Yes, we've all heard the hoopla in recent weeks surrounding the new Bill Gates backed Waiting for Superman documentary.  You know the one that everyone from Oprah, to President Obama, has been touting as a "call to action" for our country?  The one that laments the fact that U.S. students are now ranked a lowly 25th in math among 30 of the world's developed countries.  The one that points out the shocking statistic that by fourth grade, 68% of public school students scored below a proficient reading level in 2009. The one that blames the public school bureaucracy for pretty much everything.  Well, if you're a black parent and you thought things were bad, perhaps you should sit down. It gets MUCH worse.

First let's look in the MIRROR:

• In 2009, only 11% of black boys in 4th grade performed at or above PROFICIENT levels in reading. (Students attended public schools in cities with populations of 250,000 or more)
• In my hometown of Cleveland, OH, only 3% --That's right--THREE measly PERCENT of 4th grade black males scored at or above proficient levels. UGHHHHHHHH!

Think it's just a financial issue? WRONG...Read on:

• In 2009, black male 4th graders NOT eligible for free or reduced priced lunch (based on income) had reading and mathematics scores similar to or lower than white males who WERE eligible for free or reduced priced lunch (based on income).  About 21% in each group performed at or above proficient levels. 
• By 8th grade,  the achievement gap between this same group widened to six points in favor of white males.     

Can't blame economic disadvantage for that.

That's pretty bad, but here's the real slap in the face. Brace yourself and read on:

•  In 2009, black males WITHOUT disabilities performed worse than white males WITH disabilities! Only 13% of non-disabled black male 4th graders compared to 17% of disabled white male 4th graders performed at or above proficient levels in reading.

These stats are just the tip of a very big, immensely depressing, iceberg of negative data on the state of academic underachievement among black boys.  The study also looks at many other enlightening data points including some demographic insight into what's left of the black family unit,  high school and post-secondary achievement and earning potential as adults.  It's all related and it's not pretty.

I read this study today, all 106 pages of it. And I was ready.  With each dismal statistic, my will to be part of the solution grew stronger.   But when I read the "Plan of Action and Recommendations" conclusion, I realized (with anger) that the study authors in their "scholarly wisdom" had once again let me and every other black parent off the hook. Not one of the recommendations asks black parents to do ANYTHING differently (much like the Wait for Superman, blame the system approach). The word, "parent", isn't even mentioned.  That is sickening. Our babies are failing at epidemic rates, and we have no obligation to change the outcome? Ridiculous.

Let's Do Something About It.
Black parents, we need to pick up the mirror and face the fact that the blame for our children's failure starts and ends with us. Not the school. Not white racism. Not cultural bias. US!  We need to take ownership of success of our next generation like our ancestors did and our counterparts in other races still do. Realize that the schools can't and shouldn't have to do it all.  

I am fired up and ready to start a movement of black parents ready to return our children to excellence.  Our black boys are too precious to leave in the hands of anyone else. If you're ready to take some responsibility, please jump in.

Dear Reader, I crave your thoughts and prayers on this issue.  It has been near to my heart since the birth of my first son and for some time I have felt that God has a purpose for me that includes helping black boys to achieve. I am still seeking God for exactly what this purpose looks like, but I know that it starts with raising our two sons to be high achieving, Godly, men of character.

Stay tuned, this is a call to arms!!




P.S.  Don't forget to read the study for yourself to fully understand the populations of students examined- there are some significant nuances that I didn't get into here.  Also, the first nine pages are an Executive Summary that lays out the parameters of the data examined and includes every data point separated by bullets.  The rest of the study is mostly graphs illustrating the data.